Disclaimer: I love my son. I think he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I didn't know this type of love existed until I was pregnant with him. I think I am either hormonal or just mentally exhausted so most of this is just a venting rant while Will tries to soothe himself to sleep in his crib.
Now, with that being said.. I think if I was in a class of "how to properly schedule your baby so that they sleep independently" I would get an F for sure. Strike 1: letting Will always sleep on someone for his naps. Strike 2: not starting a schedule from early on-- sometimes we got up at 8, sometimes 9, sometimes 10..whenever.. I needed sleep!! Strike 3: not picking one way to "sleep train" and give it 100% and stick with it.
Sooo, yea. I'm feeling defeated. I really wish someone like Supernanny would just come to my house and show me what to do, because apparently I suck. I know that parenting is not suppose to be easy, but I guess I didn't think it would be this hard for me. Usually I succeed, and put 100% into whatever I am doing. I am a perfectionist for the most part. Well, apparently not as a parent.
I don't think Will is what would be described as "an easy going baby." A baby that can sleep anywhere, for an hour or so at a time, doesn't get fussy..etc. I guess I just figured mommy-hood would be pleasant experience with a couple of weeks of no sleep and some spit up. I envisioned being able to take Will on shopping trips, to the grocery store, to my mom's apartment (20min away), or on a walk around the block without worry that he was going to be fussy/crying the entire time. Which in reality, I feel like I am stuck at home because it is just easier than trying to get him out and about. He haaaaates the carseat. Remember back when I was soooo happy that heeee loooved carrr riiiides?! Yea.. not so much. I would venture to say that I was a little naive about how my 12 weeks of maternity leave was going to go.
These "3 hour schedules" that they should be on doesn't really work for him. He naps for 45 minutes and then wakes up after he gets through his 1st sleep cycle and cannot get back asleep (because he is use to being in my arms where he can wake up and see that I still have him and he is still all warm and cuddly). My bad. So, when he does wake up and doesn't go back to sleep, he still has 30min or more until it is time to eat again.. by the time he does eat again, he has already been awake for half of what he can handle..add in 15-20 minutes of eating, and in no time it is time for another nap. What happens when he stays up over an hour, you ask?? Fun for all.. except not. He screams, he has a hard time getting asleep, and then he has an even harder time staying asleep. This is what "they" call overtired..and I feel like he gets this way frequently, either from socializing or his lack of sleep throughout the day just builds up until it is time to sleep at night. It is very hard to explain to people that even though he looks like he is kicking and having a good time, he is really on the verge of fussing and has already missed the golden window of when he will fall asleep easily.
I've read 8 baby sleep books and I still can't get him to sleep. I either don't let him cry enough or I'm letting him cry too much. I don't put him down sleepy enough or I am putting him down too sleepy. I rock him too much, or I use the pacifier too much, or I'm doing whaaaaatever the most recent reason as to why he can't sleep. I'm hoping that in 2 weeks when he goes to daycare, something magical will happen because he will be in the care of someone other than me, and maybe, just maybe, he will start sleeping better. Doubt this will be the case, but it doesn't hurt to hope.
In conclusion, I am just frustrated. I feel like I suck with this and it is becoming harder and harder to focus on the wonderful things that I do for him when I cannot seem to get past this hurdle. He is a great baby when he is well rested and I am so thankful that the only medical issue that he has is that he is a "happy spitter" and ruins a few outfits. So, please don't read this and think that I hate my life or my child because that is not the case.. I'm just frustrated and I blame only myself. Blah.
Back to the Real World
12 years ago
Parenthood is hard b/c no 2 children are alike and the "experts" can't tell you exactly what to do unless they know your child. You're not failing, you're progressing. He's almost 3 months old and I really believe there will soon be a breakthrough for you both. I try Not to be a perfectionist, but you can't be one with a being that has its own mind. Perfectionism is for things, not people. There are no perfect people; a few may have come close, but not many. Quit beating yourself up and just deal with it. He feels your frustration and it probably upsets him, too.
ReplyDeleteBUT ALWAYS FEEL FREE TO RANT! Its something we all have to do, and it gets it out of our systems!! Things will change as he grows. The 3 months is about you bonding with your son, not being a perfect sleep scheduler. Or at least that's my unsolicited opinion.
Maura