Instruction manual, please?

I've always known I wanted to have kids. Two of them. At one point I wanted to have twins because I thought, "hey, kill two birds with one stone." I have since realized that I can hardly handle one, let alone two. But I have always wanted to be a mom. I always had baby dolls and played house.. I even went as far as to strap a bicycle helmet around my stomach and pretended to be pregnant. But, I never realized how much I would actually love being a mom.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was almost in denial. I had a feeling that something just wasn't going to work out and I shouldn't get my hopes up. Michael was even worried because I wasn't as joyous and he thought I should be. Once I saw his the little tadpole on the ultrasound, I realized it was for real and I began to get excited. Then, when it showed up as a boy, and we could call him by a name, I immediately felt bonded. And that first kick! I have never been so pumped in my life at something so small.

Now that Will is in our lives, I find myself so attached to him. When reading up on parenting styles, I never thought I would be the type of parent that didn't want to go a minute without being around him. I always knew that parents love their children, but until it happened to me, I had no clue what kind of love that was. Well, I love holding him. I love taking him places. I love talking to him. I love playing with him and seeing that little smile of his. I miss him terribly when I am not around him. So, when tonight, I listened to him cry his eyes out, my heart broke into a million pieces.

Will has been sleeping in the arms of someone every nap of his little existence. At night he sleeps in the bassinet and we have not really had any problems with that. We have decided that its about time he learned to sleep by himself during the day. Not only because I do not want to have him go to daycare and have to be held the whole time, and I don't want to be holding him when he is 2 years old to take a nap. Today we started by putting his vibrating chair in the crib (so we could see him from the monitor). I soothed him until he was drowsy, but not sleeping, and then I gave him his paci and put him in the chair. VOILA! He actually went to sleep! And slept for a half hour! I was so happy!! He woke up before he was suppose to eat, but he was crying so we went ahead and fed him. He was still fussy after wards (I am convinced now that he is sleep deprived most of the time). After being awake a while, we did it again.. He fell asleep again!! He stirred up after another half hour, so I went up and patted him and put back in his paci, and he fell back asleep! It seemed too good to be true..

It was. As soon as it got to be 6:15.. he. lost. his. mind.

I remembered everything I had read.. wait 5 minutes. Go soothe. Put back down. Repeat in 10 minutes..

After Will had been crying for 15 minutes, he was inconsolable. He was sweating, tears running down his face, and beat red. I felt horrible and began to cry along with him. But I stuck with it. Soothed him and put him back down. He stayed this way for about another half hour and then Michael tried... nothing was helping..and by this point, I was defeated. I just grabbed him and sobbed. I feel like the worst mother ever.

I've read so many books and talked to so many of my friends who are parents. Everyone's baby is different and everyone has a different story and a different circumstance. I just know that tonight was the hardest thing I have experienced with him, and I don't know if I can do it again tomorrow.. or if I even want to.. Why can't babies come with an instruction manual?