Easter Sunday

I have debated writing a post like this for a while. I guess it is just my own religious insecurities, or the fear of judgement from other people that have kept me from doing it. But lately I have really been drawn to examine my own faith and I figure what better day to explore this than on Easter Sunday. I guess I should give a little background for those who don't know me very well. I was raised a Lutheran and can remember attending church and Sunday School as a child. I don't think it was every Sunday, but we do have pictures of my sister and I dressed in our Easter white to go to church. I remember taking communion with my family, and in the Lutheran faith, you are baptised as an infant. When I started getting older, I'd say age 8 and up, I don't remember going to church until I was a teenager and we moved to Winston-Salem. We went to this ah-ma-zing gothic-style Lutheran church in downtown and it was beautiful. It had organs and stained glass, and was just breath taking. The churches we went to were very "old-school" in that the hymns that were to be sung were posted at the alter and you flipped through the hymnal to find them. I actually enjoyed that. We definitely didn't go to church every Sunday, and I recall telling the pastor, who visited our home so we could become members of the church, that church was not important to me... I am appauled that I said this now, but I guess that was my mentality as a jaded middle schooler who was mad that we had to move to N.C. Anyway, when I went to State, my good friend Felecia was very active in Campus Crusade, so she, my roomie/bestie Elizabeth, and I would go to that once a week, and it was very cool. The messages were relateable, the music was catchy, and the people were very nice. Elizabeth and I got involved in a Bible Study and it was there that I felt like my depression began.. no seriously. I started to feel like everything I did was a sin and that I was a horrible person. I felt like if these girls knew "the real me" then they would not want to be associated with me. I started judging myself really hard and didn't like the person I was. So, I guess you're expecting me to say that my life turned around and I changed and had this big epiphany.... spoiler alert.. it didn't. Instead, I stopped going to Bible Study and Campus Crusade because I wanted to "be me" and didn't want to feel the internal judgement. Fast forward to married life -- Michael and I went to church together once or twice and really enjoyed the contemporary church we went to because they taught chapter by chapter.. so it was more like a history lesson than focusing on one central topic and picking out different verses that support it. Then, we moved to Fuquay and haven't been to church since. So, this brings me to present day. I am not very versed on the Bible and only know the "popular" people and lessons such as Noah, Moses, and of course Jesus. I find relgion to serve a couple of purposes. One, it provides hope when you feel hopeless. It is very comforting to feel like someone else is in control when you are in an uncertain situation. Prayer is a very powerful tool for some people because it gives them that notion of hope. Two, it provides a moral compass when you feel lost. There is a Bible verse for every instance under the sun.. so if you aren't sure what you're doing is right, you can consult that. But, there are limitations in my opinion - gay marriage being one of them and that is one reason why I don't agree with a lot of Christians. And, three, it gives you peace of mind when dealing with death. Death doesn't seem so bad if you feel like you're going to a better place or you get to reunite with your loved ones. I guess these are what I see are the benefits to being religious. I do think that some people take it too literally, and there are people who completely dismiss the notion. I don't agree with either. I kind of fall in the middle somewhere. Since I am pretty science-minded, some of the teachings are hard for me to believe because in my head I want to say, "well, that could never happen." But, I guess if you're God, you can do anything. I feel I am more spiritual than religious in most instances.. I definitely believe in an after life and that our loved ones are always around -- call them angels, spirits, whatever. I don't think it is a coincidence when you get that goosebump feeling when you're thinking about your loved ones, or you catch a wiff of a familiar smell and it is no where to be found (ie, I smell Big Red chewing gum randomly and, to me, it is my Poppa saying hey). But lately, I have been feeling more religious. Maybe it was the crazy turbulance on the plane ride home from Florida where I grasped Beth's hand like a crazy fool and just prayed silently that I make it home to my babies. Maybe it is this one Bible verse that I keep seeing (Jeremiah 29:11) which reminds me that there is a plan for me and whatever happens is meant to happen. I truly believe that. I also believe in karma (you reap what you sow - Galatians 6:7). I also just want my kids to be exposed to church. I think that relgion is one of those things that MUST be discussed when dating because you have to be on the same page with your partner. Luckily, Michael and I are on similar pages and want to expose our kids on our terms. I think Will is getting to the age where he is curious about things (especially heaven) and he has started asking questions about God. I think it might be time to explore a church in the area. I just want to go somewhere where I can go, sit, listen, and not have to talk to people. I don't want to shake hands; I don't want to be bombarded with "join our small group"; I don't want to be pressured or judged in any way. If I want to drink a little, cuss a little, skip church every now and then, I want to feel like that is ok. And, I guess I haven't found the place that makes me feel that way. Anyway, sorry for this long relgious rant, but Easter Sunday is one of the holiest days in Christianity and I feel kind of bad that a bunny is getting all the glory. Truth be told, I had to google Good Friday to see what it was about. I'm sure I learned at some point, but I couldn't have told you off the top of my head. Don't judge. Today I will show Will an Easter story for kids and explain the significance and before our Easter meal, we will bow our heads and give thanks. This year, the Easter Bunny is not the main idea.