nothing about Will..

..just an endless rant of my own.. you can stop reading if you want :)

I know I have talked on here before about my unhappiness with my job as a teacher, and how I don't believe in where the school systems are going. I find it very hard to work in a profession that is based around helping grow the citizens of the future, yet, we are teaching them very little life skills so that they CAN be successful in life.. whatever pathway that is. Sure, it's important to know the process of photosynthesis to understand the delicate balance that our world holds, BUT, isn't it also important to value being on time, having a strong work ethic, being truthful, and a have a willingness to learn? I see very little of the latter.

So, recently I have been tossing around the idea of going back to school... scratch that.. I have been considering going back to school since I graduated. I remember vividly telling my education advisor when he came to observe me student teaching that I was unsure that high school was where I was meant to be.. I mentioned elementary education, and he said, "well, that would be difficult to do at the moment.. have you considered middle school? that would be easier to get the credits.."

Middle school? Yea, no thanks.

Then I got my job at my current school (which I have to say is a GREAT school) and I was teaching 3 classes of Earth Science. I was one day ahead of the kids and developing everything from scratch.. not to mention at the time I was planning a wedding.. I'm surprised Michael stayed with me through that phase :)

The next two years were better because I made some great friends at my school and I got to teach some Biology.. along with the pressure of having passing grades on the EOC.. since, if your students did really poorly on the EOC's they'd take the class away from you.. and I didn't want to just teach Earth Science forever..

But, there were still lingering feelings about different careers.. I explored everything from Medical Laboratory Technology to Elementary Education to Genetic Counselor.

Well, once we decided to get pregnant, I knew that I was kind of stuck for a while. I had Will, stayed on maternity leave, and I have to say, I missed the socialization aspect, but I in no way missed teaching. It was at that point that I feel as though things really changed for me. When I returned from maternity leave, I had the WORST, and I MEAN THE WORST, set of students ever. They had gone through 3, yes, THREE substitutes while I was out, and I could see why. Luckily, I had them for about 3 weeks and then I got a new bunch.

With an infant not sleeping through the night, and having to get up and start teaching some annoying high schoolers at 7:20, it was a rough semester back. I looked so forward to my summer off..

That brings me to this last year.. I started off ReAdY tO GO armed with new ideas, a new elective, and a fresh attitude.. I tried some things that I hadn't tried before just to see if it made things better.. it didn't.. in fact, I have to say, this was the worst year by far.

I realized that I got entirely too close to the students.. it is one thing to have rapport with the students, but it was something completely different for the students to think that we were "friends." Now, this is all my fault. I did make a Facebook page specifically for my students, and it began as a way to remind them of tests, etc.. and it worked great for that. But, it also let me in on their lives and armed with that information, it made things difficult to treat them strictly as students in my class.. I knew who drank on the weekends, who probably got high with friends, and who uses the worst foul language ever..

I've always had a problem with my mouth getting me in trouble (my theme song is John Mayer's My Stupid Mouth).. but this year took the cake.. Let's just say that I got called into the (assistant) principals office three times. Once for saying something completely out of bounds and that I should have never said and I completely apologized for and took all blame. The second time was a student taking something I said and ran with it.. turned it into something it wasn't, and it hurt to have to defend myself..And third, on the LAST day of the semester, I found out a student wrote an anonymous note about me saying that I wasn't a good teacher, that I cared more about gossiping with students and other teachers than actually teaching, and it went on and on and on. None of these things made my "file," but to me it didn't matter.. it was my name that was being slandered by these students..

And that's when I felt as though these weren't merely whispers anymore telling me that I don't need to do this.. but now it was YELLING at me loud and clear. I want out. Unfortunately, with a 22 month old and eventually another, I don't have many options.. but luckily I have a supportive husband who is determined to help me find happiness.. I'm considering nursing because I feel as though it is still a "service" job, which I love helping people.. but it also is flexible, pays well, and has great job security. There is an accelerated program for second degree students at UNC (ew. I know.) that I can do in one year, but it's full time.. Can we afford for me not to work for a year? We'll see I guess. I'm hoping to apply for January 2013 next June..

One more year. Yet, I say that every year. Maybe this time it will actually come to fruition.

I think I will always be a teacher at heart, and I probably will miss it.. but, at this point, I'm ready to wave the white flag..

Thanks for letting me vent.. even if no one reads it, it is very therapeutic. :)